A cumulative collection of all the things I hope to never do, or never do again.
1: Eat Brownies
The very top of the list. Yes. Brownies. A seemingly harmless chocolate treat. But how wrong we have all been in our lives. I used to enjoy the odd brownie here and there. Then my twin sister took a stab at replicating the intoxicating recipe which creates the brownie. Well, she had the chocolate, and the milk, and of course eggs. But my sister, my delusional sister, who though she had a clue, forgot a prime step in the baking process. So later, when the brownies were at last out of the oven and at their peak, still somewhat gooey yet solid in the way only a dessert can be, I took a bite.
At this moment my life flashed before my eyes. Maybe. My life up until that point had only taken place in my house, so quite possibly what I saw was not a re-hash of the past, but just a slightly blurred image of the present. I really have to get out more… Anyway, life flashed before me as a hot, steaming, slimy egg slithered its way down my gullet. A prime step in any recipe, the one my tender sister forgot, was that little part where you MIX THE INGREDIENTS TOGETHER! So now brownies are all tainted to me, and I refuse to have them enter my mouth for any reason. And like so many things before, this is all my sister’s fault.
Who would willingly subject themselves to having a child. For real. In real life. “They’re little miracles!” You have not been surrounded by enough children. They are feverish, devilish, ignorant swines. They are CONSTANTLY yelling for NO reason. Geez. Chill. Also, they don’t speak any language known to man. At least with Cantonese I can pop up the Google Translate and figure that crud out. But there is no baby translator. No one speaks Baby. Except parents I think. I believe this because every time some little imp has made the mistake of trying to speak to me I stand befuddled by its in-human language, and seeking guidance look towards the parent, only to find them staring at me expectantly. Did the hellion ask me a question? Did it make a statement? Have I just been given a misguided compliment? I don’t know, but apparently that parent does and they seem to think I know too.
See, that was a prime example of why children are beasts. They pit people against one another. I only hated that parent a little bit before its wesel gallivanted over to harass me. Then I hated them a lot. Their kids fault? I think so.
See, that was a prime example of why children are beasts. They pit people against one another. I only hated that parent a little bit before its wesel gallivanted over to harass me. Then I hated them a lot. Their kids fault? I think so.
I was homeschooled through Middle School. O glorious days, how I miss thee. I say, as though it wasn’t my choice to go to High School… Regardless, because of this gift of home education I completely skipped Middle School in it’s entirety and I do not regret it. From what I hear through the maybe two friends I have, and the always reliable internet, Middle School is the antithesis of the ‘Calm before the Storm’ ideal with High School being far more calm than it’s predecessor. The title Middle School is inherently lacking the words Douchebags and Horrifying, as far as I have been told and then loosely interpreted. It is… Have you ever read those “____ from the Black Lagoon” books? Those ones that everyone was super into in Elementary School, and they always advertised them in those neat-o Scholastic Book Fair pamphlets? Yeah, it’s that, BUT FOR REAL. No one is nice. Everyone goes through either a Goth, Emo, or ‘Seen Clueless Too Many Times’ phase only to then re-invent themselves Freshman year of High School.
Meanwhile I was busy aggressively avoiding doing math because Algebra 1 was hard and making Mac ‘n Cheese or Ramen for literally every lunch. Now, of course, this is all guesswork for me because, quite obviously, I was not there for these occurrences. But when has Hollywood or the internet ever over-exaggerated a common occurrence to make it appear more marketable than it truly was? Never is the correct answer.
Do you ever get this great idea to just shove everything, regardless of importance to the side and hope it takes care of itself? Yup, that’s pretty much what happened with my emails. See, I go to a lot of Expos. Health and Wellness, Women’s, what have you, But at all of these fine gatherings there are 1 bazillion cards to fill out to Enter Contests to win, I don’t know, A Free Eye Exam. Do I need an Eye Exam? No, Am I going to enter to win one? You bet your sweet petticoats I am. So, these little cards one must fill out often ask for ones email address in addition to phone number and street address, and I, silly little wiffet, give these lovely people whom I have no attachment to my email. Then the hurricane begins.
I can never get anything interesting like Male Enhancement or Hot Russians In Your Area. NO! I get my inbox crammed with Twin Talent Casting, and Free Dental Care, and the Best List Of Things To Avoid When Buying Home Insurance. Like, even my spam mail is glorified nonsense. So in order to find the things I believed I needed - my emails to myself, and my families emails to me - I created several folders for my computer to hold all of this useless junk that I wasn’t QUITE sure I could delete. Unfortunately as I got older that habit lent itself to pretty much all my emails and now my inbox is just a cavern of emails that MIGHT be useful and relevant, but I will never know, or find out, because there is zero chance of me climbing into that pit of despair.
5: Die Young
Yeah, this one sounds sort of important. I would actually prefer not to die at a young age. This one should probably have been at the top of the list, but I don’t usually think about death. I am, however, constantly avoiding brownies, so no. I think this all evens out to make sense. Even so, I am perpetually perturbed by the notion that I might not live to old age. I just might not. I could be that random person you hear about on the news that gets hit, the day of graduation, by a garbage truck. I mean, that’s scary as crap.
But I never think about this stuff late at night, in bed, like a normal person. NO, this crippling fear of death tends to appear at the most unnaturally random of times, such as while in the bathroom, or while taking a math test. Just, why can’t we all not know we’re going to die? Why can’t it just take us all by surprise one day, and up until that point we had believed that nothing like that would ever happen? That would be nice. Then psychology might actually be a suitable career field to enter into.
But I never think about this stuff late at night, in bed, like a normal person. NO, this crippling fear of death tends to appear at the most unnaturally random of times, such as while in the bathroom, or while taking a math test. Just, why can’t we all not know we’re going to die? Why can’t it just take us all by surprise one day, and up until that point we had believed that nothing like that would ever happen? That would be nice. Then psychology might actually be a suitable career field to enter into.
6: Live Forever
Equally important, however, I would not like to live forever. Why would anyone ever? I am constantly befuddled by my own sense of mortality, I don’t think I could deal with a sense of immortality. Also, exactly how long is forever. It cannot simple just keep going and going. Like, that idea that space has no end is bothersome to me, but if it does end, what else is out there. There cannot be nothing. So if I was to live forever, what would I see and do? The sun might implode and space might disappear and then what? Does time just keep going, or is something inevitably going to happen to stop me from living, but that would, by definition, not make me immortal as there is an end to my life. AND now I’m in the midst of an existential crisis. You see how this escalates. It just would not work.
Dear Lord, there are things in my life I regret. Hating Kristen Stewart, trusting my sister to make brownies, claiming I finished catching up on Game of Thrones, but few amount to the brief period of my life where I was enamored with the entire concept of Supernatural, Doctor Who, and Sherlock BBC. I discovered the mass media phenomenon of the combined culture relating to all three television shows while accidentally stumbling upon a website called Tumblr. After that it was a downhill slope of bad decisions and lack of maturity which lead to my slow process of realization.
I watched Supernatural up until season 5 when I realized that I just didn’t like it. I was watching it because Tumblr had told me it was great, and amazing, and I was trying with all my might to enjoy it and I couldn’t. Later in the months that followed that dramatic revelation Sleepy Hollow premiered and I realized that that was about 10,000 times better for never ending reasons, most of which included Female Characters and People of Colour. Doctor Who, upon my entry into the feminist movement, seemed less and less appealing and far less mature than I liked, and Star Trek called me back to it’s calm, progressive state. With Sherlock I discovered Elementary which basically sealed the deal for how little I actually cared about a fandom which was composed of people who stalk actors and accept queer baiting. Now, I’m not claiming these three shows are bad, but they have aspects of them that are problematic beyond my comfort, and the whole concept of SuperWhoLock encourages others to participate in this culture of excluding others and feeling entitled to, as fans, declare what must happen in a show, Basically, it’s just not the shows for me. Others, but not me.
I have never been stung by a bee before. Ever. In my entire life. And now, nearing adulthood I am horrified by the idea that I could be violated by a fuzzy little bumble. If I had been stung when I was younger, like my sister or brother, I could probably bare the idea of being stung. But now, later in my life, I have started a trend of of not getting stung and I simply can not get stung just for the sake of not getting stung. I can not break the pattern. It’s like I have perfect attendance with bumble bees, and getting stung would just crush me. So I have decided, it’s agreed, I have to never get stung for the rest of my life. Just the way things have to be I guess.
What good is the zombie apocalypse if I am not dead for it. If I’m alive I have to mess through the disaster the zombies will wreck on the world, have to try and survive, have to struggle and fight, and all that jazz. But if I’m dead first, then I get to just come back to life and do whatever I want. I already got my shot at living to get a degree and a job and what-not. Then I would just get the chance to screw around and be super cool and eat people. And if I die again, WHO CARES!? I already got to live once. The next life will just be a superlative.
But if I’m alive for it, well then I will probably die for the first time and have no chance to come back at all. How would that be even a little fair. In addition, being alive means I would likely have people that I would be afraid of losing. If I am a zombie though, all my other friends are dead too! Then we could have, like, a 100 year reunion part or whatever while feasting on the living! It would be great!
10: Be Pee Shy
It is a plague on our humanity. It is one of the catastrophic faults of human nature. Our inability to pee in a bathroom stall meant specifically for peeing because someone might hear us. Who even started that mindset. Who was the first person who went into a bathroom, which I remind you is designed for going pee, and decided “Eh, I’ll just wait until the person here leaves.” Was he or she a trend starter? Did they have some special flock of friends that were like “Bruh, that sounds like a good idea, lets spread that around.” And then they did!
So, a while back, I made the executive decision to never be pee-shy again. If I go into the bathroom and hear someone peeing, I don’t get offended, or feel uncomfortable. I do a silent cheer inside because I am so proud of that person for not holding it in on my behalf. I’m not that special, Pee Away! Because in that moment that un-silent woman has given me unspoken permission to not feel awkward while peeing, or whatever else I plan to do in the comfort of a moderately cleaned, squat little stall. So, I figure, if I feel that way when I’m in the bathroom, other people probably will too, so by NOT being pee shy, I’m actually encouraging other people to join in my crusade against the fear of pee-judgement
So, there it is. I really wasn’t sure how long this was going to be when I started, but 10 sounds good. Like I planned it that way. Like I plan anything. But there’s that, the Anti-Bucket List, because there is too much we want to do in life that it’s easier to just write down everything we don’t want to do.
I loved this post! It made me laugh so much. I liked how you could hear your voice throughout the whole piece and how you used relatable situations like being pee shy. It made me think about living forever and all the unopened emails in my inbox.
ReplyDeleteThis post is awesome! I felt like I could really relate to many of the points you made, especially the one about being pee shy and having children. Your blog post could really help people who feel like they're weird or out of place because of these things and it's really hilarious too.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! Never thought about making an "anti-bucket list" before and i think its one of the coolest and funniest ideas ever. We all know what we dont want to do and i like how you made your top 10 comical and honest! it was really good!
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